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Cliff diving

November 2, 2010

So I’m pregnant, right? I don’t feel pregnant.

I’m not sure I can afford to feel pregnant.

Sure, there was the momentary tear, the fleeting glimpse of joy and possibility. That’s all still there, but I can’t access it.

I’ve heard too many horror stories. Yesterday, it was a celebrity, a really good pop singer who had her second miscarriage, this time after six months of pregnancy. I could name a dozen miscarriages of people I know personally without even taking time to think.

I’m Jewish. We have issues. We’re not good at unbridled optimism. We’re much better at spitting on the ground, at not letting the evil eye catch a glimpse of you celebrating, at ending every sentence with “but….”

And, like most people, we wait until three months to tell all but our closest. But why three months? Will I be safe then? Will I be safe at six months? When the kid is 6, and crossing the street without looking, will I be safe then?

Falling in love makes us vulnerable. Deciding to raise a child, whether through birth or other means, is agreeing to spend the rest of your life standing on the edge of a cliff. Maybe the answer isn’t to look up into the heavens or down into the abyss.

Maybe I need to keep my gaze straight ahead.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Melissa Rogers permalink
    November 3, 2010 8:45 am

    For me, I worry about my girls all the time and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t no matter how old they are. I hate to tell you but from now on there will always be something.

    • November 3, 2010 9:15 pm

      That actually makes me feel better that I’m not the only neurotic person in the world.

  2. neutron permalink
    November 3, 2010 5:20 pm

    There is actually a biological reason for the 3 month marker… around 3 months is when the production of hormones that maintain pregnancy switches from the corpus luteum in the ovaries to the placenta. If it’s poorly timed, miscarriage can result; this is why people often wait until three months.

    But that doesn’t help here. I think hoping helps more… the scientific contribution of good vibes cannot be estimated.

    • November 3, 2010 9:16 pm

      I see. I like your idea. I’m going with the hope, laced with the occasional shot of anxiety.

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