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People I have paid to look at my vagina

October 1, 2010

All the cool kids — your prostitutes, your strippers, your college sophomores — have blogs about the people who have paid to see them naked. I am not a cool kid, and this is not that blog.

No, this is about the people I have paid to see me naked. Sometimes a thousand dollars for a 30-minute session. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I get piece of blue paper to tie around myself, creating the illusion that I am not, in fact, spread-eagle, all my lady bits to the wind.

Here it is, the accounting of people I have paid to look at my vagina:

My Regular Gynecologist: He’s a 70-year-old heterosexual man who could not be less interested in the kind of behavior that keeps Law & Order: SVU entertaining its pervalicious audiences. Rather, he plops my feet in the stirrups, peers into the Tunnel of Love and massages my breasts, all the while carrying on a stream of conversation, usually on one of two topics: Plays I’ve Seen Lately and Patients of His With Serious Female Trouble. Yet I love him, partly because he is not part of a factory practice with multiple docs.

World Renowned Fertility Doc:
She’s known for her technical prowess and success rates, but the truth is, her bedside manner rocks (although I haven’t been in bed with her yet). She’s straightforward but kind, even when guiding a camera through my cervix (worst episode of “To Catch a Predator” ever).

Ultrasound Technicians 1 and 2: They glide a less-than-magic wand into the Not So Grand Canyon, skating through my internal organs, looking for … what? Sometimes they say, “Checking your lining,” but they never say what that looks like. Instead, together, we watch the movie. It’s like being in a Korean theater without subtitles. And you don’t speak Korean.

The physician assistant, who’s pretty cool but whom I’ve only seen twice in four months.

The acupuncturist: OK, technically, she is not looking at my vagina (although, like my uterus, I’m sure it’s lovely), but I am paying her and getting naked with her.

There will, I know, be more to come. I mean, someone’s gotta stick those embryos up there, right? God knows I’m not going to do it.

Strangely enough, the donor nurse, my most frequent point of contact, has not seen my vagina. I hope she doesn’t feel left out. Maybe I’ll send a photo.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    October 1, 2010 4:43 pm

    this is hilarious

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