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Precious bodily fluids

September 11, 2010

“I do not avoid women, Mandrake … But I do deny them my essence.” General Jack D. Ripper

It's more than a cigar in "Dr. Strangelove."

We kid the men, of course. We kid them because we love, and because we need their essence.

Personally, I don’t know how they do it.

My Young Man was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago and since then has been on daily cocktails of powerful medications, including monthly infusions of steroids. Since we don’t want our child experimenting with drugs before high school, we decided to go for what would hopefully be the untainted stuff. And even though MS doesn’t have a strong heritable profile, the idea of visiting a disease on the kid was unthinkable. Besides, this way nobody gets a genetic imprint — we’ll have to inflict all our damage the old-fashioned way, by raising the little bugger.

Still, every time I go to the fertility clinic (and by clinic, of course, I mean 5-star resort), I ponder the burden placed on the men in attendance. You see them, sitting in the tasteful waiting room chairs until their names are called. Young, old, mostly well-off, even a Hasidic Jew on a recent trip — they’re all there for one reason. To make a delivery.

Last week, Britain’s Independent newspaper reported on a think tank that critiqued British fertility clinics for providing porn for men, because it leads to “adultery of the mind.” A few thoughts on the matter:

1. Adultery of the mind is great. It’s awesome. It’s what lets people remain coupled during the ridiculously long lifespans that have evolved in the western world. It is also preferable to adultery of the body and, even worse, adultery of the Craigslist.

2. Who pays you think-tank wankers? There are massive declared wars around the world right now, most of which your country is involved with either directly or indirectly (can I hear a what-what for colonialism?). Your former prime minister was pelted with eggs on a book tour. You have a monarchy, for God’s sake. And for some reason, your people seem to think that it’s OK to get drunk and queue up to piss in the street. Let’s fix those issues before we fret about the naked boobies, shall we?

3. Give the men their porn.

Give them whatever they need. They are being asked to bet thousands of dollars on the promise that they can perform on a moment’s notice. Sperm samples are not the kind of thing you can tuck in the fridge and drop off the next morning. Time is of the essence, friends, and I tip my cap to the men who give it up in a chilly, windowless room, knowing exactly how their wives will respond if they exit with the word, “Sorry.”

So guys, whether you’re selling, lending, donating or sharing, on behalf of the ladies, I’d like to say, “Nice job.”

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